You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
