My friends, they love my intelligence
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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