he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
