idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
