I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
