I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
