I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
