and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Randomize
