Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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