I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
