there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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