A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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