According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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