and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
