I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
