I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
