i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
