Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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