who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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