Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize