I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
