working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I didn't notice because vodka
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
