That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
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