I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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