I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
