omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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