Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
