she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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