Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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