I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Randomize
