She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
