these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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