I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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