Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
