so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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