I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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