Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
