Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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