people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
