the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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