He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
