I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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