You made me cry and you don't even care
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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