never play flip cup with pint glasses
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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