Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
