I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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