I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
