I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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