i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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