He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
