I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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