By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
