I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
tell me about the fingering
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