I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
