if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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