I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I think pants incapable of making pants work
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
