Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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