I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
sick fucks of a feather flock together
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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