You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
