College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
