Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
