my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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