well most of my day revolves around power hour
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
